The Humiliation of Snake
by fleurdefeu
Summary: In which Snake gets BLATANTLY rejected. One-shot.


Summary: In which Snake gets completely REJECTED.

Rating: T for language I guess

Inspired by the Smash Bros codec calls. In fact, I actually use the exact codec calls in this.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SMASH BROS. BRAWL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS. I ALSO DO NOT OWN THE METAL GEAR SERIES OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS OR THE METROID SERIES AND ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS. GOD THIS DISCLAIMER IS TOO DAMN LONG.

Oh and please excuse the horrible grammar. It's three am.

* * *

"Shadow Moses. Ugh I do NOT want to be here. Remind why I have to be here?" Snake murmured into his codec.

"Now listen Snake. You have finally made it into a Smash Bros. game. You should be honored to be fighting with and alongside legends like Mario and Link." The colonel was getting impatient with Snake. He had thought that Snake would be pleased about being in the new Smash Bros. game, but instead, Snake had just complained about the fact that it would be non-stop fighting. His complaining had only gotten worse when he had found out that he was going to fight on Shadow Moses.

"Colonel, you know I'm better at sneaking and infiltration than straight hand-to-hand combat. I don't stand a chance against these guys,"

"I wouldn't be so certain. You have firearms and your skills with CQC are impressive. I'd say you have a fair advantage on some of them," interrupted Otacon. When the colonel had approached him about providing technical support for Snake while he was fighting in Smash Bros. Brawl, Otacon had jumped at the opportunity. Otacon was a big fan of a lot of the fighters in Smash Bros. and he was especially excited about the possibility of Snake meeting Captain Falcon. He and Snake had been practicing their Captain Falcon imitations for a while now and both we're excited about meeting their hero. However, for Snake, meeting Captain Falcon was not worth coming back to Shadow Moses for.

"Damn it, it's cold." Snake took out one of his cigs and began to smoke. Otacon was just about to complain about Snake smoking again when a sultry voice beat him to it.

"You know, smoking isn't very good for you," said a woman in an orange power suit. Snake thought that it was pretty much the most ridiculous suit he had ever seen. It was a ridiculously bright orange, had humongous shoulders and was made entirely of metal. It also had a gun attached to one arm. All in all, Snake was more amused than scared.

"Heh, so I've heard. But I haven't got much to live for so I'll do what I want. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm your opponent. That is all you have to know," answered the stranger.

"All I have to know, huh? I'll be the judge of that." Snake then called Otacon to get some answers.

"Hey Otacon, I've got a woman here in a power suit…" began Snake

"Huh? How did you know she was a woman? Yeah, that'd be Samus Aran, the most renowned bountry hunter in the galaxy. Her Arm Cannon packs quite a wallop. If you get hit by a charged shot from that thing, you can kiss your butt good-bye."

Snake was liking the sound of this more and more. "Hmm, sounds like my kind of woman…"

"Yeah, well, just don't get too close. Snake, Samus is deadly. After Space Pirated killed her parents, she was raised by the Chozo and trained in the fighting arts. She's been places and seen things that people like you and me can't even begin to imagine."

"Hmm. But beneath that cold, metal exterior beats the heart of a woman…"

"Whatever Snake, don-"

The colonel interrupted their conversation. "Snake, this is your chance to prove yourself. Defeat Samus Aran. Is that clear?"

"Got it." Snake ended the call and turned back to Samus.

"You done with your little conversation? Cuz I didn't come here to watch you chit-chat. I came here to fight." Samus was getting impatient. She couldn't believe that this was the famous Solid Snake. She was expecting something more… impressive. This guy just looked like your average man.

"Easy there, woman. There's no need to get impatient." calmly replied Snake.

"Listen, I have other places I have to go to. So let's just get this over with so that I can leave and you can talk to your boyfriend all you want."

"Hey! That was a low blow! Fine, you wanna fight so damn badly? Then come and get it." Snake crouched down into a fighting position and readied himself for the fight.

He could have never been ready for what was coming.

Samus sprang into action. Immediately, she jumped over him, landed neatly behind him and knocked him over. Snake barely had time to move and barely missed the kick that was aimed at him. He had never encountered someone as powerful as her. Sure, she was a bit slow because of the bulky suit but the suit made up for that in force. Getting knocked over felt like he got hit by a truck.

_Damn it, if she manages to land another hit, she'll break one of my bones. I have to use my speed to my advantage._

Snake immediately began a series of attack and retreat assaults. He managed to hit her a few times and he moved just before she hit him. Of course, the fact that she was wearing a metal suit made his hits ineffective but he figured that she would eventually tire out from trying to hit him.

Snake's tactics were beginning to piss off Samus.

_This is dragging out for far too long. I have to finish this quickly._

Suddenly, a Smash Ball appeared out of thin air. Both Snake and Samus sprang towards it but Samus managed to get to it before Snake by kicking him and sending him flying towards the wall. She then broke the Smash Ball with a kick and prepared to fire her charge shot. Snake was still recovering from the kick when Samus shot at him with the charge shot.

Samus' thoughts at that moment: _Poor sucker._

Snake's thoughts at that moment: _Oh. Shit._

The adrenalin in Snake's body made him react faster and he jumped out of the charge shot's way with half a second to spare. He could feel the heat of the charge shot radiating as he jumped out of its way. He landed in a crouching position and immediately readied himself for another attack. He, however, had not been expecting what we saw when he looked up.

Having used her charge shot, the power suit broke apart leaving Samus in the skin-tight Zero Suit. Her blue Zero suit emphasized her curves and almost made Snake drool. Why had Samus taken off her Power Suit? Not knowing what to expect and wanting to be on the safe side, Snake decided to call for info. Snake snuck into a corner and proceeded to call Otacon. However, it was a cheery voice that answered him instead.

"Hi Snake!" Mei-Ling's cheery voiced said.

"Mei-Ling? What are you doing here? Where's Otacon?"

"Otacon's just helping the Colonel out with something and he told me to take his place for a few minutes. Anyways, what can I help you with?"

"Mei-Ling, Samus took her clothes off!" exclaimed Snake. He could here Samus pacing around and he knew that he only had a certain amount of time before he was found.

"That's just her in the Zero suit, Snake."

Suddenly, a whip like beam came out of nowhere and Snake just barely had enough time to dodge it. He charged at Samus but Samus nimbly jumped out of the way.

"Without that bulky Power Suit, she's gotten a lot more agile…" said a breathless Snake. Having a Codec conversation while evading Samus' attacks was hard. He guessed he just wasn't good at multitasking.

"You know," continued Snake while dodging a kick," I bet if I took off all this heavy gear, I could catch her…"

"Umm, yeah, you wish. Even without the Power Suit, all that training she did with the Chozo has made her a super athlete. I don't think a normal human could ever keep up. Just look at her."

_Jeez that was uncalled for_, thought Snake. _I don't think I'm that inferior to her. Thanks a lot Mei-Ling._ _But, hot DAMN, Samus is hot._

"…Her loss," said Snake. Seeing as he had all the information he needed, he ended the call. He didn't want to give Mei-Ling more chances of insulting him. Seeing as he was running out of option, Snake decided that he would try to reason with her.

"Listen, are you sure you wanna be doing this? I mean, why waste your time fighting me?" began Snake.

"Shut up and fight me! Why are you wussing out and dodging all my attacks?" retorted Samus. She knew that he was just trying to distract her by talking but Samus was determined to win this.

"I'm not wussing out. I just don't wanna hurt a beautiful woman like you."

"So now you're hitting on me? Your boyfriend would disapprove." Samus' smirked. He knew WAY too many guys like him. She was not attracted to guys who thought the world revolved around them.

"Ok, first of all, he's not my boyfriend (Author's Note: GOD this is a blatant lie. Everyone knows that Snake and Otacon like each other. But, for the sake of this fanfic, Snake is gonna be straight.)! And second, I can do whatever the hell I want." This woman infuriated Snake but for some reason that just made her more attractive.

"Whatever you say, oh great spy." Samus could tell that Snake was getting more and more infuriated. Her plan was working. Just a little more distraction and she would be able to catch him off guard and end this.

"You have a problem with that?" replied Snake.

"Yeah, I do. Cuz you know what?" Samus used Snake's momentary distraction to her advantage to get behind him and put him in an armlock, "You're not great at all. You're just a guy with a huge ego." Samus than kneed him in the balls and watched triumphantly as he crumpled on the floor in pain. The battle was over. She had won.

_Oh god, _thought Snake, _my balls hurt. This is just humiliating. But she's such a strong, sexy woman._

Seeing as Snake was not able to fight her anymore, Samus began walking calmly away.

"Wait," said Snake. _It's now or never._ "You're an amazing fighter and a beautiful woman. But don't you hate fighting all the time? I can take you someplace nice. So, how bout it?" Snake gave his most winning smile. Well, as winning as it could be considering the fact that his head was still swimming from the pain of being canned.

Samus pretended to consider it for a moment. She then knelt down close to Snake's face.

"You know what? No. Cuz I don't date losers like you."

* * *

Authors Note: GOD, the ending SUCKED. But what can I say? I was bored, I was tired and I was playing Smash Bros. I actually like snake I just thought the codec calls where funny and that it would be funny if snake just got totally REJECTED by Samus. Samus seems like sort off a bitch in this but I guess I wanted her to be kind of a badass. Wow, I kinda feel really bad for Snake now. Lol ill go write some fluffy SnakeOtacon.

Please review on his incredibly bad this was.


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